My Earliest Pregnancy

 When I 40 years of age I witnessed the delivery pf my first born daughter. Yes,  I was quite advanced in years & had been married for nearly a decade when the mother's fertility treatment finally worked.  This single event immediately & significantly altered my life's trajectory.  Previously I had been focused on sailing,  surfing & fly fishing as well as varied careers. 

Afterwards I dropped every future goal & personal want to ensure that my little girl was safe,  comfortable & had all that she needed.  Sixteen years later,  when that daughter was being installed at agricultural college,  one of the lecturers recognised her& said: "You're the girl whose father led her about on that point all the time". We smiled,  this was a slither of the life that we,  & her little brother led,  from birth through to adulthood. As soon as they were born I had done everything in my powers to put them first. The fact that their mother was less better acquitted for the role & preferred to work,  made this path easy.  When that same mother bailed on them during their teen years, there was never any doubt that the children would remain in my daily care. 

But the first time I nearly became a father occurred over twenty years before my daughter was born. My then girlfriend Robyn & I had been to a party at a friend's parent's house before she told me she needed to talk somewhere quiet.  I loved here dearly & respected her personal intelligence enough to know that this was something of note.  We walked towards home & found somewhere to sit on the edge of a neighbour's garden. I can't recall exactly how the news was broken, but I soon learned that 16 year old Robyn, & therefore I, was pregnant. I was immediately upset,  mostly for Robyn.  In the late 1970s teenage pregnancy was a slur against the woman,  & I thought too highly of her to let her go through the public humiliation. There were tears, I was 17 or so & there was no way I could afford to set up home.  Frankly, my income might stretch but I was just too immature. My reaction, & probably Robyn's too, led us to take the secret route.

Some days later Robyn booked an appointment at Family Planning.  I had no idea what it was & was stunned to silence when the counselor said she had never had a boyfriend attend. During the session,  she ran Robyn through the process, & explained that curet would remove the insignificant growth & Robyn would easily return home afterwards.  

A week or so later,  I visited Robyn at the hospital straight after work. She was tired & upset, but pleased to see me, to get out & move on.  During the procedure another problem was found; ovarian cysts.  A second appointment was made to have these cauterized or somehow removed & I recall Robyn being more physically drained & sore from this visit.  

Looking back,  it's difficult to comprehend how she managed. Not until the pregnancy with my daughter did I realise that a 12 week old foetus was quite advanced in appearance & development.  I then grieved for the then twenty- something child I may have had. I wrote Family Planning & complained against the advice they had given us. I heard nothing in response.  Once again I marveled at Robyn's good sense & maturity,  & wondered at the legacy she endured.  

In the recent past a friend's wife has scornfully advised me that Robyn was never able to have children. I felt hurt, that someone could spew forth such horrible need in such a careless way,  & for Robyn,  she would make a fantastic mother.  But the whole ordeal had weakened or relationship & it was easier to not maintain contact.  Though I did meet her out tt once, I was with my then wife & it was everything I  could do to stop myself from embracing & kissing her.  I was still deeply in love,  but the outward me was different,  restrained,  hardened.  But our eyes locked,  deeply we knew we were one another's once in a lifetime partner. 

That was the last time I saw or heard about Robyn until her funeral.  There I learned she had married,  moved to New Zealand & divorced.  I also learned that she had suicided & as nothing was mentioned of her ex-husband, I can only assume that she had emerged from that relationship under great sorrow.  So now,  the child who would be in their 40s, possibly married with beautiful children,  & the romantic & exquisitely beautiful live of my life, are gone.